Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
