You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
