i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
