Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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