i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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