apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
