His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
