Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
