So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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