No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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