Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
