My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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