it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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