my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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