What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
