I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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