who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
