i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
