Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
