Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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