I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
