apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
