I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
