these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
