there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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