Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
