I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
