areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
