There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
