I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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