I am puke
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
