After last night, I could never be a politician.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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