I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize