i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
