I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
