i jhust puked up my retainher.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
