he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
