Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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