I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize