all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize