I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
