So drunk its hurt
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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