Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She's better-looking with the mask on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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