Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
