Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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