I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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