Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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