Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
