I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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