everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
