she woke up with a sticky ear
My cat gives me a boner
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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