is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
