I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
