That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's just like the Real World with babies
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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