I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We have started to decorate penises.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize