i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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